The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt.6 : Revenge of the Side Chick


If you haven’t had the above conversation with a man, you probably know someone who has. And although you don’t necessarily have to be a mistress to have this conversation, it certainly adds clarity to a situation. What clarity? You’re probably asking. I’ll tell you what clarity. It’s the realization that when you make up your mind to be truly honest with yourself, you wind up admitting that your current romantic situation just isn’t as fulfilling as you would like it to be. In other words, it ain’t cutting it. When you come to this realization, the above confrontation may take place.
You probably recognize the characters in the above clip from the TV series “Scandal”. To give a little bit of background, the black woman I this clip is a political “fixer” who has been involved in an ongoing affair in an incumbent president (the white guy in the clip). The two had been apart for a time and despite her attempts to resist, started hooking back up again. Although the two actually are in love with one another, our heroine has realized that she can’t continue to live with their relationship like it is. The president, like most presidents, is married. In fact he’s involved in what I call a “political marriage”. A marriage that isn’t necessarily based on mutual love, respect, and trust, but on the career aspirations of both the wife and husband (his desire for power and her desire to be married to a powerful man).
Now our heroine is not the stereotypical mistress in that she’s not financially dependent on her lover, in fact she’s the kind of woman who a lot people who never suspect as “mistress” material. In fact she’s probably the new face of mistresses (career minded, educated, and upwardly mobile). A more realistic portrait of what side chicks actually are (women).
At the risk of sounding like I’m condoning sleeping with other women’s husbands (I’m not), I’ve had to tell a lot of women that all women are not after other women’s husbands, but “trip over” them on their way to their own. Which doesn’t mean I don’t hold women accountable for their indiscretions with married men, but it’s pretty hard to trip over a man who isn’t in your way. One thing I give this side chick credit for is recognizing that she wasn’t happy in this situation and having the guts to be ready to end it. Kill it and put it out of its misery already. And refusing to come back while it remains unchanged. No demanding he leave his wife (which happened in this case), just good old fashioned it ain’t working so I must bounce, whether we reconcile or not.
Leaving an unsatisfactory relationship takes a great deal of courage that I wish more women possessed.

In His Name,
Sis Anjanette M. Potter

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 5b : How much of the Problem is Us ?

Last week I asked the question “How Much of the Problem Is Us?” The topic was  assigning people who don’t fit our list of  superficial (swag/money/penis/looks) criteria to the “FRIEND ZONE”.  And I ended with three  questions. How much should you overlook  just to say you’re in a relationship (or married)? How picky is too picky? And if you’re the friend, how long do you pine away wishing that the person would just give you a “CHANCE” to prove that you could be “the one?”

I coined a term a few years back called “deal breaker” (others have since “borrowed” it :-)). A deal breaker is a boundary line in relationships that if  crossed, can mean you’re in deep sugar honey iced tea (break up territory). I coined the phrase to let a few male friends/associates know how serious some offenses  are  in a relationship and no she (his wife/girlfriend/baby mama/jump off/etc.) ain’t tripping because if he did the same to me I’d divorce/break up/move out/banish him to the couch too. The reason I’m giving all this background info is because 99.99% of the time if someone was banished to the FRIEND ZONE, they haven’t committed any serious offenses except having bad genes. So I ask again. How much of the problem IS us? I’m actually writing this posting several months later than I anticipated because the situation in my life that led me to write about this happened a while back. I  was sitting around doing some self inventory and making a list of the qualities of my past boyfriends/lovers/jump offs/boy toys (yes women have jump offs) and what is was about them that I liked vs what it was about them that I didn’t like. I also decided to make a list of all the qualities I like about my platonic male friends vs what I didn’t like about them. And I found that the list of the ones I was romantically  involved with was pretty close to the “friend” one.  That’s how I arrived at the above question. US? Because when it’s all said and done only you can decide how much you’re willing to overlook in order to be in a relationship with someone. 

Now to the question of pickyness. How picky is too picky? It depends on what you’re looking for. The more casual the relationship, the less picky you can afford to be. However, if your wish is like mine (you wanna mate for life). You need to be picky. Not castrating, leave a brother with SOME dignity. But, picky. Expecting him to have a sense of  permanence and stability about himself (you know, steady income, a place of his own, if he’s living with mother it’s because she’s physically unable to care of herself ), is not being picky. It’s being smart.  Even  God’s word tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23).  Marriage is expected to last for LIFE.

If  you perceive that you’ve been the one banished. Don’t wait. I’m not saying to go and jump into a relationship out of retaliation. But don’t wait. Live your life.  Don’t spend one second in relationship limbo (I’ll explain about that term in a later post). Don’t be their rebound/jump off/other man/woman.  And definitely stay out of bed with them. If they discover that you’re the one while you’re still available, cool. If not, it’s their loss. This is another Proverbsn 4:23 situation because when you’re what I call emotionally invested, it’s hard to make to logical decisions and while you’re waiting, time is passing. Be their friend, but, handle your emotional business. The steps of a good man are ordered BY GOD. 

In His Name,

Sis Anjanette Potter

AnjanetteSpeak

 

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 5a : How much of the problem is us ?

I’m going to write about a situation that most of us have found ourselves in at one time or another. Here’s the scenario, boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl doesn’t like boy back (chemistry), dismisses boy’s romantic overtures and promptly banishes boy  into, you guessed it, THE FRIEND ZONE!!! THE FRIEND ZONE  is the place where perfectly good men who just didn’t have enough chemistry/swag/money/penis/you name it get sent when they don’t fit our superficial criteria of what kind of man we want.  Many men hate the friend zone and I understand why (having been there a few times my own self ). Because really, who wants to be told that they’re not good enough to date you, then have to listen to all your relationship problems and on top of that have to give you advice and have to act like it doesn’t bother them that you’re with someone else. I’ve been on both sides of this coin, so I can  speak with some authority from both sides of it. As the guilty party, should you sacrifice qualities that aren’t must haves, but  for you make a relationship really nice to be in. And is it really fair to the offended party if you do? I don’t know about you, but, I’ve always been of the mind that BOTH parties in a relationship should mutually think that each other is the bees knees (translation: all that and a bag of chips). And I don’t want no one acting like they are doing me a favor by giving me a “CHANCE” to be in a relationship with them (as if?!?).  On the other hand, do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to deal with the very things that made you turn them down in the first place? How much should you overlook  just to say you’re in a relationship (or married). How picky is too picky? And if you’re the friend, how long do you pine away wishing that the person would just give you a “CHANCE” to prove that you could be “the one?” I decided to make this one a two parter (possibly a miniseries). I feel “led” to stay on this one for a minute.

                                                        In His Name,

                                                          AnjanetteSpeak

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 4c :What Happened to Black Women being Loosed???

Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

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 11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.

    12And when Jesus saw her, He called [her to Him] and said to her, Woman, you are released from your infirmity!

    13Then He laid [His] hands on her, and instantly she was made straight, and she [j]recognized and thanked and praised God.

    14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)

    15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?

    16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

    17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.

The last time I posted, I wrote about a very touchy subject that may be a contributing factor in the “black church keeping black women single” part of the single black woman conundrum, clergy abuse. Unfortunately, many women are the victims of clergy who don’t know their proper place in life of their female congregants. They become attracted to women in their church and instead of going to God in prayer and allowing Him to heal and deliver them from this inordinate affection, they allow it to stay and fester, turning into an unGodly soul tie.  Then every time a man shows any interest in her, you guessed it, he starts blocking. This is terrible because it is an abuse of one’s God-given authority over HIS flock (his meaning God of course). And it creates an atmosphere of mistrust and insecurity within the people in that congregation. Remember,  the Bible in Matthew 20: 25-28 states what a Christian leaders attitude should be toward God’s people, “25And Jesus called them to Him and said, You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men hold them in subjection [tyrannizing over them].26Not so shall it be among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant,27And whoever desires to be first among you must be your slave– 28Just as the Son of Man came not to be waited on but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many [the price paid to set them free].”

We are not to imitate or take on the attitudes  of this world (Proverbs 3:31-32, Romans 12: 1-3), in any area of our lives. Blocking someone’s ability to marry because of one’s own attraction to one of the persons involved is a sign that the leader should recuse themselves from the situation (in other words step aside) because you obviously are not able to be objective. If you’re a woman and this is your situation, you need to either change churches or find someone else to do your marriage preparation.  You don’t need anyone marrying you and your beloved who has a bad attitude about marrying you to anyone (attitudes can create spiritual environments that aren’t conducive to your new marriage). And you certainly don’t need them stirring up strife between you and your future mate (Proverbs 22:10, Proverbs 26:20-22, Proverbs 15:18,  Proverbs 29:22). And if you’re a man, the same rules apply. 

Clergy abuse is bad deal for everyone involved and if a pastor (male or female) is being inappropriate toward  someone they’ve been appointed to lead (male or female), it’s serious. We can’t sweep this problem under the rug any longer.  Some states have passed legislation that makes any inappropriate  sexual between clergy and members a felony and I agree that it should be . That might sound harsh, but considering the special nature of the relationship between clergy and members, it’s a necessary step to restore the sacredness to this relationship. If you ever want to see what happens when there is no Godly leadership, read the book of Judges in the Holy Bible and see the chaos the results from it. The last verse says it all “In those days there was no king in Israel; every man did what was right in his own eyes. ” Now you may say, but Anjanette we have leaders. If your leaders aren’t following Christ then they ain’t leaders. Remember TRUTH dispels lies and TRUTH= Jesus Christ. much love to you. 

                                              In Him,

                                                                Sis Anjanette M. Potter of AnjanetteSpeak

Footnotes:

 

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 4b :What Happened to Black Women being Loosed???

Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

Image via Wikipedia

  11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.

    12And when Jesus saw her, He called [her to Him] and said to her, Woman, you are released from your infirmity!

    13Then He laid [His] hands on her, and instantly she was made straight, and she [j]recognized and thanked and praised God.

    14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)

    15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?

    16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

    17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.

Sorry it has taken me soooooo long since my last post. Right now I’m in school and well you know priorites. Anyway the last time I posted, I was ministering out the above text. My focus is on our heroine who has been bound for eighteen years. I remember comparing her to many in the Church (remember my sentiments about the so-called “Black Church” ) who desired to marry and feel as though they are being “kept single” by an oppressive church environment.

Now, I remember stating that not all churches are unhealthy BUT also that not all churches are healthy either. Unfortunately because many pastors are sick, so are many churches. Sometimes a leader can have an unhealthy attachment to his female members (picture Lot and his   daughters) to the point where he can’t bear to think of her with any other man. It’s sad but true. And unless this “soul tie” is broken, he’ll continue to protest every time she wants to get married forcing her to leave home. It’s incestuous, sick, and perverted and needs to be addressed. It shouldn’t take the threat of embarrassment to make people address the skeletons in their closet, but, then again some people need that ( you know that whole business about a hard head and a soft behind???) in order to see themselves for who they really are. Otherwise they’ll just continue to keep wounding innocent people.

Someone once quoted Bishop T.D. Jakes as saying , in a men’s conference, that men have issues that cause them to bleed (Mat 9:20-22; Mar 5:25-34; Luk 8:43-47). I have no doubt that hurting people hurt people and are in need of the kind of healing that only a relationship can bring , however sooner or later the woman with the issue of blood touched Jesus’ garment and got healed. So that is my charge to those male ministers who are praying on their female members. It’s time to touch his garment and be made whole. No more excuses. Just as Jesus moved on to the dead girl he was on his way to raise anyway (He got interrupted, but not intercepted), the church needs to move on to raising up those that are spiritually dead. No more being interrupted by wounded healers. Sexual harrasment, rape, molestation, inordinate affections and other sexual sins, are a spiritual issue that need to addressed before things get out hand and more people are damaged. Damaged pastors pass on a damaged legacy of hurt and mistrust. Our job as the church is to raise the dead not create more graves. If a pastor can’t be trusted around the women in his flock, he needs to step down and get help. You are of no use to the Body of Christ bleeding. God has the ability to restore, but you must first admit it and quit it. Next post I’ll touch on this further and address another troubling trend I’m seeing . Until next time, remember that lies bring bondage only Truth makes free and Truth=Jesus Christ . Anything else is a lie.

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 4 : What happened to Women being Loosed???

    11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.

    12And when Jesus saw her, He called [her to Him] and said to her, Woman, you are released from your infirmity!

    13Then He laid [His] hands on her, and instantly she was made straight, and she [j]recognized and thanked and praised God.

    14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)

    15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?

    16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

    17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.

This is one of those pesky times when you think you have a scripture all picked out that would serve your purpose and you realize that it doesn’t say what you thought it said (how humbling) but as you read it, you realize that it fits still the topic at hand (it’s all good).  When I started this series, I wrote about three differing scenarios that illustrate some of the many viewpoints that single black women face in their journey through this thing called life. The scenario I’d like to tackle today is the issue of the “black church” and it’s attitude towards single black women.

Sometime during the summer, a fellow blogger  and twitter acquaintance of mine wrote an article charging the “black church” with the state of  “keeping black women single”. And depending on you ask, some agreed with her, others, not so much. Before I tell you my thoughts about whether not I personally fault “black church” as a whole, I have  an illustration I’d like to show you first. It’s concerning our heroine in the above scripture.  As you notice, a demon has her bound. So bound that she’s bent over and can’t lift her head to look up and see the world around her. And she’s been in this state for EIGHTEEN YEARS!!! Jesus takes one look at her and says to her “Woman, you are released from your infirmity!” (for the King James fans  “Woman, thou art loosed from thine infirmity” in keeping with the book by Bishop T.D. Jakes with the same name). In verse 14 of this text the ruler of the ruler of the synagogue is indignant over Jesus healing her on the sabbath (sometimes even a leader can hate on you). To which Jesus replied “You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

Now you may wonder why I would choose to use this scripture about a women being bound by a demon of infirmity in conjunction with my single sisters. Am referring to singleness as a state of bondage?? Of course not.  I’m single  and do believe that once a person commits to enjoying the rich rewards that come with their “gift of singleness” there’s no more rewarding time in the life of a believing person. However what if I wanted to be married and felt like it was held up by some type of interference????? Hmmmm…. What if I thought “the church” was the reason for this “hold up”???? Hmmmm…. You see one the promises of the gospel message is that the oppressed should be delivered (Luke 4 :18).  Like Jesus stated above about our heroine paraphrasing ” Doesn’t she, being a child of covenant, have a right to be set free???” After all this poor woman had bowed over for EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!” And she obviously knew there was a problem or she wouldn’t have presented herself to Jesus in the first place. Marinate on that thought while I move on…..

Let me first answer that while I don’t agree that “black church” all by itself keeps black women single, some have suggested that certain teachings are the problem (not being unequally yoked with an unbeliever”, not having sex until marriage, among others). But anyone who is saved and seen the consequences of just these two violations, alone can attest to the fact that the fallout from compromising God’s standards for our sexuality and marriage standards is enough to keep a person single the rest of their life. As Joyce Myer has stated “There’s nothing in heaven that is better than a good marriage, but there’s nothing in hell that is worse than a bad one”. Notice  I said “God’s standard” and the “black church’s ” standard. The two are not always synonymous. They should be. But they aren’t and that’s part of the problem. The other part of the problem is the one I am addressing today.

Let me start by saying that it really makes me wince when I hear people say “black church” because ALL Christians are a part of the Body/Bride of Christ which includes being part of THE CHURCH (the ecclesia or “called out ones”)universal.  So no matter whose membership role you’re on, you are a member of a worldwide organization whose membership is ever increasing and is not part of this present world. Anyway, reigning in my inner preacher, to just  say nonchalantly that black church doesn’t keep black women single is just as bad as saying it does. Why, because both are blanket statements that don’t take in to account that even though we are  part of the universal church, each assembly is different . So because one assembly has a healthy relationship with its Pastor/ leader doesn’t mean every assembly has that testimony. And every unhealthy assembly ain’t black!!! Many women of all ethnic persuasions complain about these  same issues.  And no I don’t believe the answer is to leave church as Ms. Cooper stated in her article. First of all, not all single women of any particular persuasion are feeling “pressed” to marry. Secondly, when a child thinks the answer to problems at home is to runaway from that home, I’m tempted to investigate that home to make sure that child ain’t being abused (yeah I said it). Everyone who leaves home ain’t leaving out of rebellion. Some conditions in some homes are so unbearable that some children need to be placed elsewhere (foster care, adopted out, what have you). Such as the church. Some church atmospheres are so oppressive and corrupt that even a beautiful thing like getting married can become  a power struggle (know this firsthand, unfortunately). It ought not to be among the seed of Abraham.

 Like our heroine in the above scripture,  many women feel “bound” because they want to marry and feel as though they are being “kept single.” In some cases it may be that they are marrying “beneath their privilege” (it ain’t God’s best person or situation for them).  In some cases however, it’s the work of a dysfunctional home environment (Pastor too controlling  or worse). The beautiful thing about Jesus (the author and finisher our faith) is that He truly is the answer to all of our problems. Just like He was able to bring healing our above heroine, He can bring healing to this situation as well.  I’m going address how in my next post next week. I’m going to discuss another issue that is concerning me in the whole Single Black Woman Conundrum .

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 3

NOW after this beat down on to the TRUE  perspective………

This one is even funnier ………

Now does any of this sound just a bit ridiculous and stereotypical and CRAZY to anyone but me???? This is my TGIF post. Right now I’m studying for midterms and don’t have much time for a long post. Next week  I’ll be back to tackle these and a few other beefs I have with this whole topic. Until then, enjoy these clips and have yourself a good laugh and a FABULOUS weekend!!!!!!!

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt.2

Genesis 1:26-29

   26God said, Let Us [Father, Son, and Holy Spirit] make mankind in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have complete authority over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, the [tame] beasts, and over all of the earth, and over everything that creeps upon the earth.(D)

    27So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them.(E)

    28And God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it [using all its vast resources in the service of God and man]; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and over every living creature that moves upon the earth.

    29And God said, See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the land and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.

2:7 7Then the Lord God formed man from the [a]dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life, and man became a living being.(C)

15-25 

 18Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

    19And out of the ground the Lord God formed every [wild] beast and living creature of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them; and whatever Adam called every living creature, that was its name.

    20And Adam gave names to all the livestock and to the birds of the air and to every [wild] beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

    21And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam; and while he slept, He took one of his ribs or a part of his side and closed up the [place with] flesh.

    22And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man He built up and made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

    23Then Adam said, This [creature] is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of a man.

    24Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.(E)

    25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed or ashamed in each other’s presence.

The first time I saw the above video was on the post of a Facebook friend. He asked what we , the female FB community that follows him, thought of it. My opinion? It’s the words of someone who has deep rooted issues of self-hatred that he is using to berate black women. At least this is the cleaned up version of what I put in his comment box. The one comment I agreed with, out of all the other comments, was that of a young black man (believe it or not). The young man made the statement that it’s easy to sit back and point fingers and asked the question, “Would Black men do any better if Black women were M.I.A.  or AWOL for DECADES and black men had the job of two parents (mother and father)”.  Excellent point !!!!! The disturbing part of this rhetoric is that many black men and women have bought into it (scary). In a later post, I’ll uncover where these attitudes come from because they’re not new by any stretch of the imagination.

I venture to say that black men faced with the same set of circumstances would do the same thing that black women have done for decades. Pool their resources. Fathers would tell their sons to “bring the baby home” and proceed to make room for baby. Babysit whenever possible and help the young brother out because “it ain’t the baby’s fault”. They would sit and try to figure out why women are the way they are , fathers would shake their heads, heartbroken that the young man chose a path that, while  rewarding, is hard work even when done by two people much less one who is so young and can barely take care of themselves. In other they would “make do”.

I started this post with scriptural references because I wanted to point people to the truth (John 8:32). You see I agree with God‘s word that parenting is meant to be  done by two’s. Don’t get me wrong, one good parent is better than two horrible ones any day. But God gifted each gender with attributes (of His)  that when brought together within the covenant of marriage, girds  us with the ability to be a dynamic parenting team. An unstoppable force (both spiritual and carnal) to be reckoned with.

Because of our history in the U.S., this has not always been an easy task. With the advent of slavery, Jim Crow, and later sociological issues that have fought us as a people, we’re finally starting to realize that to make this thing called life work, we need each other. However, the hating has to stop. The problem I have with this situation is the anti-black women sentiment turn that has taken place. It seems like every insult that ever been said about black women is all being said at once. And it’s not fair. If not for black women stepping up and doing what needed to done, we would not have made it as a people. I have a problem with the sentiments expressed in this video and those who see it as truth (puh-lease) because it’s so far removed from the truth that it ain’t even truth’s play cousin. It’s time to stop buying into our own negative press and communicate with each like people and not stereotypes.  All black women aren’t hard to get along with. And if you were one person doing the job of two, you might be a little cranky too.

PS  Since when is Octomom Black?

The Single Black Woman Conundrum pt.1

Conundum-a.Question or problem having only a conjectural answer b.An intricate and difficult problem.

Conjecture- A proposition that is unproven but APPEARS correct and has NOT been disproven.

Scenerio #1 Man of African-American descent works very hard at a chosen craft (business, sports, music, politics, acting), gains a considerable amount of success and status (after paying dues), reaches for and gets brass ring,decides to marry outside his ethnicity and as a parting shot gives an interview about his decision to do so (why???) and decides to list everything that is wrong with African-American women forgetting that he has a mother, sisters, cousins and female friends who have supported him up to this point. Thus giving us the finger (yes, that finger).

Scenerio#2 Writer writes an article charging the Black Church with the “plight” of single black women stating that it is responsible for “keeping them single” News at 11″

Scenerio#3 “National black man back to church movement” is spearheaded. Movement is seemingly “sensitive to the needs of black men” but relaxes God‘s standards to meet this goal (notice I said God’s standards and the church’s, the two aren’t always synonymous). Funny what people do when they lose faith in God.

Scenerio#4 National news network does story about the inability of professional African-American to find quality relationships. Second national news program has panel discussion, brings high African-American male to help address the issue who promptly blames, you guessed it, African-American women (a sistah can’t win for losing).

When I was younger, one of my favorite radio programs to listen to was “The Rest of the Story” by Paul Harvey. The program went a little something like this, Mr.Harvey would present a story or some little known facts about a public figure. After this he would say ” this is Paul Harvey, now for the rest of the story” implying that there was more to the story than what the public was privy (had access) to.Well, I’m Anjanette Potter of AnjanetteSpeak and here’s the rest of the story.

You would have to live under a rock to not have at least have heard snippets of the buzz about the “plight” of single black women in the U.S. I put plight in quotes, not to play down the issue, but to keep from playing up the hype,but, is it all hype? Let’s look a closer at the issue, I don’t have a bunch of numbers to throw at you but I will say this much, book sells on books about marriage and relationships have gone up, especially those that are designed to help women know the inner workings of men. The problem with all this? It portrays women as standing around wringing their hands desperately yelling “whatta we gonna do?” (Gimme a break). Not to say there isn’t some concern on the part of women period ,not just black women, remember what I said earlier about those book sells.

However,I remember hearing a saying about not letting a shopkeeper know you are desperate for his goods because it drives the price up. Well, I believe the shopkeeper smells the desperation because the merchandise (men) keeps driving up its own price. Nothing pumps up an ego quicker than knowing that half the population will now do anything to have you , including lowering its standard for what a decent man is.

I remember being a younger woman back in the 80′s when there was a bunch of hype about a man shortage (white women got to take part in this one, WOW!!!!bet they felt honored ) and we had the same thing back then (a hot mess).

So how do we fix this hot mess? Through honest communication with each side listening to what the other has to say. In AnjanetteSpeak to listen is hear with your heart. God didn’t create man out of his own rib, He created woman. And He created her so the man wouldn’t be alone. So since men can’t marry themselves, it stands to reason that they would listen as well as speak. Don’t get me wrong, some of the best advice I ever got about relationships came from my male friends. However, they never advised as though I was a stereotype. They advised me as though I was a person.

The Single Sister Experimentby Mimi Jefferson: A Book Review

The Single Sister Experimentby Mimi Jefferson: A Book Review
A Book Review on “The Single Sister Experiment” by Mimi Jefferson
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Good News: Jesus Is Not Nice | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

Next week I’ll be posting again to continue writing  my series ” The Single Black Woman Conundrum”. Meanwhile, in keeping with my prominse to keep timely and newsworthy content, I’m postin this article from Christianity Today. Let me know what you think. Have a blessed weekend.  Good News: Jesus Is Not Nice | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction.